Dear Desitin

Dear Desitin-
We love your product, Desitin-- also known around here as "butt butter" (I'm not sure where the nickname came from but that's what our daughter Ava began calling it and I suppose it just stuck).

My question is this: How the hell do you suggest we get the thick gunk off once our sweet girl spreads the paste all over her body, hair, toys, blankets and walls????

Do you have a Desitin remover? If not, perhaps it's something you should consider developing. We would buy it by the barrel. It would come in handy on mornings like this:

Hey Amber. Bite me.

JJ Cole Urban BundleMe

Recently,  I put up my first posting on Craigslist in the hopes to sell a few girly-baby items. I had never done it before but I thought I would test the waters since I'd heard so many positive things about it from family and friends.

Lucky for me, I got a response right away from someone that was interested in purchasing our JJ Cole Urban BundleMe for $30 (retails for about $45).

Let's just call her Amber (since that is her name).

Via back-and-forth emails, Amber agreed to come to our house on Saturday at noon (TODAY). When we were deciding on a time, I had explained that it was important she be punctual/ as close to 12 as possible because Ava's naptime was between 1-4 and if she were to come during that time, the dogs would go ballistic and wake Ava.

She said that wouldn't be a problem and had even agreed to bring cash like I had requested. 

So this morning, I dropped off my cookies for Juniors and then we went to the DuPage Children's Museum in Naperville. Around 11:00, we raced home to make sure we didn't miss Amber. In preparation for her arrival, I washed, dried and neatly folded all the items this morning-- and had them waiting for her in the foyer. This way, I could show her everything quickly and allow her to be on her way. 

Everything was ready! We were just waiting on Amber at this point.

• 12:00 PM comes and goes. No Amber.
• 12:10- I email Amber- "Are you still coming?"
• 12:11-  I call Amber and leave a voicemail: "Hi Amber- This is Kristi. The person that is going to sell you the Bundleme....? I need to know if you're coming or if something came up... blah, blah, blah" 
• 12:30- I call Amber again. I get voicemail. I don't leave a message.
• 1:00- Still no sign of Amber.I decide that when I wake up from taking my own nap, I will write her a nasty message about how inconsiderate it is to waste people's time and rude to not have the decency to at least call and tell me she wasn't coming.
  1:40- My phone rings:

Caller (sounding like a 14 year old idiot): "Hi. Um yeah. I missed some calls from this number while I was napping...?"
Me: "Yes. That's because I called you. You were supposed to be here to pick up the Bundleme at NOON."
Caller: "Oh yeah. ha ha ha. I just woke up and I was like- wait, who is this calling me?! ha ha ha. Yeah, hi. This is Amber."
Me: "Hi."
Amber: "Yeah. Um, I guess  I can come and get that from you. I don't know why my boyfriend didn't wake me up....? He's been sleeping, too. ha ha ha. I just saw that I missed these two calls from the same number so I wanted to see who it was. Ha ha ha."
Me: (Hands in the air, making a WTF face and making gestures that scream I DON'T NEED DETAILS YOU INCONSIDERATE  ________! Are you coming or not?!)
Caller: "So ..... I can.... but....... then....."
Me: "Wait, you're cutting out. I think we have a bad connection."
Caller: "I'll call...back...  my house phone"

10 minutes pass and I'm thinking: OMG. That little slore isn't going to call me back!!!!

(RING! RING!)
Me: "Hello...?"
Amber: Hi. It's Amber. Sorry. All of my phones are acting up 'round here. Yeah, so I just need to wake up my boyfriend and see if he can bring me out there. He is sleeping pretty heavily so I'll have to see if I can get him up. What time is good for you?
Me: "Well, I suppose we could shoot for 4:00. Could you be here by then?"
Amber: Yeah... Um, I'll have to check with my boyfriend but I think we can shoot for that."
Me: "No. I kind of need to know if you will be here at 4:00 or not. I have other things to do and we aren't just sitting around all day. We have a babysitter coming at 6:00 and we won't be around tonight, etc."
Amber: "Oh-- Okay (sounding a bit surprised that I was looking for an ACTUAL TIME (translation: dumbshit)). Well, I will try and wake him up and call you back to let you know."
Me: (ready to strangle this wench) Ok...? Just call me back then. (flipping off the air with my middle finger!)

10 minutes later (RING! RING!)
Me: "Hello...?"
Amber: "Hi. It's Amber. The one that is calling about the Bundleme."
Me: "Yes. I know who this is" (I have caller ID you f-ing idiot)
Amber: "Yeah. Um, I tried to wake up my boyfriend like 10 times and, ha ha ha, he won't get up! I don't know what's wrong with him. Ha ha ha! He keeps mumbling at me and I can't even make out what he's sayin'. Ha Ha Ha. I guess he was up all night playing video games and he hasn't slept at all."
Me: (too pissed to even speak at this point. This little skeez is making me claw my bloody eyes out)
Amber: "I would drive but I'm afraid to, in my condition and all. You know-- I don't want to go into labor or anything while I'm driving. So, I think I'm gonna call my Mom now and see if maybe she can take me instead because he ain't wakin' up."
Me: Okay....? (at this point, I'm trying to slice my wrists with one of Ava's barrettes) 
Amber: "... and then I'll call you back and let you know what she says."

10 more minutes later (RING! RING!)
Me: Hello...?
Amber: "Hi. It's Amber. The one that is calling about the Bundleme."
Me: "Yes. I know, Amber." (Again- you friggin' moron-- I have caller ID)
Amber: "Yeah. Um, I talked to my Mom and she can't bring me today. She said she could bring me tomorrow after church though, if that works for you."
Me: (rolling my eyes, shaking my head, taking deep breaths and pacing to relieve some of my anger at this dumbass)"Maybe. What time?"
Amber: "Oh shoot. I didn't even ask her what time. Ha ha ha! Duh! I swear! Ha ha ha! I'll have to call her and call you back to let you know."
Me: (clenching my fists because I want to seriously go OFF on this beotch. Not only has she screwed up my entire 12-2:00 window, but now she's interfering with my nap, too) Well, when you speak with her, make sure that are able to get a firm time on when you will be here. You said you would be here today at 12 and I never even heard from you until 1:30. I have other things going on. We like to get things done on the weekends and don't just sit around with nothing to do. I have a daughter and one on the way. So if you say you're going to come, I need you to be here at that time. I was respectful of you today by being here, organizing my day around what was supposed to be your arrival, and by having everything washed, dried and ready to go for you. I need you to be respectful of my time too."
Amber: (crickets chirping) 
Me: "Okay?"
Amber: "Yeah, I understand. Well if for some reason it doesn't work out, I appreciate it. I'm sure your things will sell fast because they're really nice. I'll talk to my mom and see if she can give me a specific time and then I will let you know."
Me:Yeah. Why don't you just let ME know what you decide to do.

I'm pretty sure that I won't be hearing from "Amber: the brain-dead, spending-too-much-time-on-her-back idiot" anytime soon. Stupid slore. Where do people like that come from?! Have some damn respect. If you say you're going to do something, do it.

Here Amber. This is your chair and this is your hat.

Best of Intentions

I woke up today feeling inspired to stimulate Ava's growing brain. At the end of the day, I'm solely responsible for what she sees and hears so why not fill those senses with something educational...? I embraced my inner-mommy-of-the-year-wannabe and got her ready so we could go to the DuPage Children's Museum in Naperville (a short 20 minute drive).

On the way there, I heard endlessly about "train trakth" and how she wanted to go over them... and see them... and play with them. Ignorantly, I promised her that we would play with lots of "train trakth" at the museum.

We pulled up and I was pleasantly surprised with all the great parking that was available. We got out and walked to the door. She was soooo excited.

I was excited, too... patting myself on the back for dragging us all that way for a fun little morning! Yep, I was very excited... until I pulled on the VERY LOCKED door.

What the...?? Why won't this door open? Are we at the wrong entrance?!

That's about when I saw the sign: MUSEUM CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE

FML.

As I tried to explain to my 2 year-old daughter that they were closed, a temper tantrum like I've never seen ensued. She ran from me when I tried dragging her back to the car, which really angered me; how many times do you have to tell your kid (1) not to run from you... and (2) especially not while in a parking lot that cars are driving through. Then I became that Mom... the one who grabs her kid by the arm and screams "No! Danger!!"... Ava went limp and was screaming--you get the picture. It was a real ______ treat.

I finally got her into the car but the damage had been done. She was pissed.

 

The entire drive back, she was screaming about "train trakth"... I'm sure if she could explain her feelings of anger and disappointment they would have come out in some sort of phrase similar to "You suck Mom. I really hate you right now. All I wanted to do was see some damn train trakth. Thanks for nothing. Worst Mommy ever."

Onto Plan B.

I tried to think of something else we could do and--BAM! It hit me!! We would instead go to Glazed Expressions so she could paint some pottery. She'd like that, right?! So I started congratulating myself and quickly diverted her attention from the God damn "train trakth" to good old fashioned painting. The crying soon stopped. Praise Jesus.

We pulled up to the place and went to the door.

The. F-ing. Door. Will. Not. Open. WTF is wrong with the world today??!!

The sign on the door says, "We will be opening today at 3:30" which was conveniently located next to their "Weekly Hours" sign that says they normally open at 10:00. I looked at my watch-- it was 10:02.

FML. Again.

So I looked around, desperate not to fail her 3x in 20 minutes. Lucky for me (and not my wallet) there was a toy store on the corner. Off we went. Inside, she played with some trains for about 15 minutes before finding a "Neigh" (little horse) that she wanted. I bought the little $7 piece of junk and we were on our way, smiles on both of our faces.

I decided we would go home for lunch because I didn't want to chance that McDonald's, Target or some other "mother ship" was also CLOSED for the day, since that seemed to be the common theme of the day.

What's that saying... "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"... ? Sounds about like my morning.

Mom of the year? Definitely not. But I do deserve an A for effort.