Tuesday, March 20, 2012
She spent 1/4 of the day in time out because she wouldn't listen to me telling her repeatedly NOT to do something-- and then following up by kicking and hitting me as I carried her to "time out". At one point I sat her down and asked her, "Does Mommy hit you?!" Of course the answer was no. I've never spanked my child. How am I supposed to instill the lesson in her that "hitting kids is wrong", if I turn around and hit her..? Well, the pot is officially calling the kettle black tonight.
It was time for bed and she kept trying to run from me. She then kicked me in the stomach when I had her cornered. So I picked her up and carried her back to her room and put her in her bed. She jumped out, charged at me and demanded I let her out so she could go watch "T.D.". The answer was no. So I picked her up again, put her in bed and I got kicked again. I didn't even flinch, I flipped her over and swatted her on the butt, twice. Her eyes swelled with tears quicker than I've ever seen. She looked at me like, "How could you?!". She was so scared and immediately started crying for her Daddy (who conveniently has a business dinner tonight).
I don't know what came over me. I just snapped. There have been times I've come close but I've always found the patience to breathe, and let it go. But today she was in rare form-- getting up and running from "time out" as soon as I put her there (something that she's never tried before). After 15 times of putting her back in that damn chair, she finally stayed, while screaming at the top of her lungs for the next 5 minutes. I guess the only positive part about that little fiasco is that we were at home and not in public.
After her nap today I even took her to get ice cream, thinking maybe she just had a bad morning and perhaps a little treat might remind her that Mommy is her friend and we should be kind to one another. Even that trip was a struggle, though.
I feel so guilty and awful right now. Part of me wants to go and lay in her bed with her and snuggle her, partly for her to understand how awful I feel about what happened.
Immediately after it happened, I slumped into the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine, where I then sat down to dwell on the incident. Then I started to make myself feel a little better about the fact that she still wears diapers (that shielded some of the blow, right?!), and about the fact that she wasn't "bare ass", getting spanked with a wooden spoon.
It's the look on her face after I did it that haunts me. Those tears. That look of shock and fear.
I feel like the absolute worst right now-- like I totally let her down.
Boy, this wine sure is going down easy tonight. :-/